Fool & Dog

Jun. 28th, 2016 07:56 am
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Fool and Dog

And Colette returns to her usual Derpness. Pack Derp, represent!

The feminine curve of the shadow down the spillway, mirrored in the black paint at top is what does it for me on this one. It’s the mirage of water that should be there, but isn’t, because of the drought here in Cali.

It’s the promise of Green. Some day. Some where.

* * *

Getting shit done and knocking stuff down. It’s a wonderful feeling. As I often say, better living through chemistry. Slept well and dreamlessly, though a nice dream would have been lovely. I miss the dreaming when it’s absent.

The High Priestess has found its optimal gear, apparently, and I finished the carving lines on the Magician’s wand last night. We ride on, shiny and chrome.

Fool III

Jun. 27th, 2016 11:05 am
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Fool III

This is a super cropped version of what was Version I of the Fool card and what I discarded. It was just too posed and too static for what I wanted. The Fool is in motion from the moment you see her, even if it is small motion. This read too much as waiting.

* * *

Okay, it is already too warm outside, so it’s elliptical and weights today. And I’m bringing in a fan to point straight at me, because oh gods, too warm, but no skipping the workout. Sanity at stake.

I started drawing the carving lines on the bone for what will eventually be the Magician’s bone wand. We’ll see how that goes. The snake head belt arrived this morning as well and looks even better than I had hoped. It’s a vintage piece, which is one of the things I am trying to go for, the look and feel and weight of age. Either way, it is freaking perfect. I need to make sure i start putting together a prop inventory and documenting who made what and where things came from.

Life is good.

And if that wasn’t enough, the High Priestess launched not even an hour ago and we’re already at 19%. o.O Yeah. Clearly hitting a nerve. No pressure. LOL

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Fool's Progress

I just like the quiet contemplation of this one. It was my other choice for promo image.

* * *

Actually slept…ten hours? Or something like. Got up a couple of times to go to the bathroom, but still slept like the dead when I was sleeping. So clearly the bad neurochem yeserday was at work. I have some mild anxiety running this morning, but I’m working at breathing and staying present before I resort to the Klonopin.

Today is warming up hot. 91′ it projects, but it’s 83’ by 10:30, I’m going to call that bullshit and set out to water a couple of times today, or my pots are not going to survive. HIgh surf advisory too. Everything is fucked. Humidity is already at 54%. Where the fuck is the monsoon? UV Index is through the roof too. Fuck’s sake.

I am tired and sad though still, mentally. Reading Warren Ellis’ weekly newsletter and gods, the fury and grief rolling off his words. I don’t have half his skill, but whatever. He’s been doing it longer. Things are ugly in the European Union, and uglier in England.

Where is my Lionheart now?


Jun. 25th, 2016 08:24 am
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At one point as I was sending Mouse up the spillway, there was this point. Colette flat out refused to go further up. Never in my life have I seen a dog nope the fuck out of a situation like this. Cracked me up.

It doesn’t work for the Fool card though. The Fool never pays attention to the Dog. Though I do love the look Mouse gives Colette, like “What? Now you’re a chicken?”

Pack Derp, represent!

* * *

Had anxiety dreams before waking, but no pounding rabbit heart panic attack. Huge improvement. But have still taken my meds and I should feel more settled in half an hour.

The rest of the house still sleeps except for the animals. I am grateful for the quiet.

It’s expected to only get up to 88′ today, which means I will spend a fair amount of time in the garden today, if body and brain are amenable. This morning is cool and delicious, just 67′ and a light breeze. Summer morning and the sun doesn’t feel like a brand. They say mostly cloudy, but I’m not seeing them this morning. I’m assuming if any, they’ll roll in later.


Jun. 14th, 2016 11:19 am
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I wish that this wasn’t appropriate this week. It was just in the queue for today. But that’s how my art works. It knows more about the World than I do. I just channel it.

We light a candle against the darkness. We refuse to let the Silence cut short our Chant. We sing with our last breath. We sing. And we burn.

* * *

In other news, I am tearing the day up, productivity wise. Waiting on the fucking weather. *vibrate* But. Soon. SOON.

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Fire Priestess II

Some of these images may get some after effects work done on them later, but since I did not set out to do post work with this series, I’m trying to not get distracted and just get the work done.

Oh, and I really love this one.

* * *

I am feeling really good this morning if really tired. Calm is a fucking super power.

Tonys last night… Gods. To be alive when Lin Manuel Miranda is and to realize he’s the bastard love child of Shakespeare and Sam Seaborne. To know that he busted that sonnet out before the fucking show after the tragedy in Orlando…

Fuck it. I am not a writer.

And we got not one, but three times the cast of Hamilton singing and I cannot even.

Hell, I’ll start tearing up again.

And the season? My gods! So many plays and musicals that were just earth-shatteringly good. Spring Awakening as a deaf and hearing portrayed musical? Marlee Matlin and Kenny coming out to present it? I know it’s not his name, but he’s been with her since forever and I can’t imagine anyone else being her voice.

And the woman who played Ceeli in the Color Purple? Are you shitting me? A voice made to tear the roof off of Heaven. Yes. I am beautiful and I am here.

The Gods of Theatre smiled last night. They smiled so wide.

Look around, look around, how lucky we are to be alive right now. You said it, Lin. Thank you. It’s not all tragic and horrors. In this darkest hour, there are still those of us lifting our voices in song and singing brighter than the stars in the sky.

I will tell your story. It’s not the first time I’ve been exhorted to do so. It’s in Everville where Grillo leaves one last request for Tesla after she’s been resurrected and possessed by the Art:

Yes, Tesla thought. I will tell your story. I will tell it with every beat of my heart, every blink of my eye, every breath that I take.

I’m paraphrasing. But it’s lived with me forever. And now Lin exhorts us all again.

Who lives? Who dies? Who tells your story?

I will. I will, I will, I will.


Jun. 12th, 2016 10:37 am
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And all is dust in the end…

Scotty had the coolest skulls laying around. He makes them, along with all the other cool toys that were laying around. Hugely inspirational guy to know.

* * *

Had a bunch of birthdays go by this past twelve days, all wonderful people that I adore, so that was lovely to celebrate, even if I am miles away from them.

I’ve been reading TS Elliot as well, specifically the Wasteland, and I find my heart hurts at the sheer rawness of his writing. I don’t know how he got away with this stuff in his time. I’m glad he did though.

Oh, and in random research news, turns out First History Man is a fictional book in the Mad Max universe. It’s based on the History Men based at the Citadel. Civilization does rebuild after all, and it starts at the Citadel and because of Furiosa. Magician indeed. So, I’ve got a ton to think on, and it’s super engaging and exciting. I had forgotten what it felt like.

Oh, and I voted on Super Tuesday and that went well. Not happy about Hills getting the nod, but whatever. I’ll vote for her. I’m not voting for the idiot.

In Apocalyptica news, I continue to put final touches on costuming and watching the damn weather like a hawk. It’s all June gloom, though I am assured that a high pressure system is coming in next week. Everyone cross your fingers that that is the case and I can get the Fool in the can. Once that’s done, I’ll start putting together the campaign for the next card, The High Priestess, and moving forward on the Magician shoot, which is coming together nicely.

Oh, and I got the challenge coins sorted last night. Woo! Productivity!

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Greetings, War Party!

As of this writing, we are t-minus 11 hours and counting till the end of the campaign for the Magician! WOO! Aah! It is too exciting.

Right now (as you can see in the handy dandy graphic linkie beast) I have raised $230 of my $500 goal. That’s a whopping 46%!! I say again, WOOO.

I just returned from Joann Fabrics with the second round of materials for the Magician. DUDE. I found the perfect faux red leather for the boot covers and straps. IT IS EPIC LOOKING. The challenge coins are arriving from the mint to the warehouse on Monday. Things are cooking along. BUT, but I’m not quite there yet. If I don’t raise the other 54% in the next 11 hours, the Apocalyptica will be delayed for weeks, if not months. I don’t think that’s something any of us want. I know I really really don’t want. Do Not Want, as the kids say today.

You still have time to make a pledge if you want to get involved. Even a share today on any and all social media makes a huge difference to how well this campaign ends. For reals.

In the meantime, you are all the best war party evar. EVAR. I mean that. Without you, I wouldn’t have even started the engines. THUNDER UP. Let’s get the buzzards off this rig!

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Fire Priestess

And we return to the Beltane shoot. Yum.

* * *

Did 2.45 miles on the treadmill this morning and lifted weights. I’m feeling it this evening as I move around, but after my first dose of new anxiety med, I am so grateful that getting to the gym was not the usual, “Okay. Get the clothes on. Okay. Drive to the gym. Okay. Get out of the car. Okay, see, we’re here, just get on a treadmill for a little bit…” routine that is my way of talking Bad Brain into working out.

This morning? I just went and was happy to go. Wild, the contrast.

I’m still up four pounds. But. I was able to open my fitness tracker and log calories for the first time since January. Finding food today wasn’t a chore and didn’t taste like cardboard. I haven’t felt overwhelmed even once today.

Today has been the first unequivocally good day I’ve had in weeks. I could cry from both relief and gratitude.

* * *

In other news, it’s two days till the Magician closes! If you want a print, now’s your only chance! Not kidding! Check it out! Get the word out! WOO.


May. 30th, 2016 10:47 am
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I gave her my card. She’s leaning up against war rig #2 and even if I don’t use this one for the Magician, I am definitely hoping to use both of them in one of the other cards. She was nearly six feet tall. QUEEN.

* * *

Memorial Day.

I sat outside with Colette and yelled at her for going all predator on the squirrels and birds. Her prey drive is insane. Pain in the ass dog.

Line edit on Strange Weather continues. Man, I’ve clearly leveled up as a writer.

In other news, I am angry with the world, which points to the irritability/anger version of my clinical depression. Not so much being in the hole as wanting to set the hole on fire while I sit in it. I don’t recommend it. But saying it out loud seems to help. So. Another rest day. Tomorrow should be better. *knocks wood*

* * *

You know the drill. Tell everyone! 🙂

Frisk Me

May. 27th, 2016 07:10 am
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Frisk Me

That’s what she had written on her thighs, one word on each thigh.

I would have loved to…

* * *

Today is a rest day. Yesterday was spent running around and I am made of tired and tomorrow is Memorial Day BBQ, which I will need lots of spoons for. So. Rest.

I’ve started compiling my second Hour of Bounce for Radio ANJI. Successfully broadcast last night at 9PM PST, and it should repeat for the next four days at the same time if you want to catch the hour and sixteen minutes of groove. It actually kept me up past my bedtime, because I was so happy with how it sounded and flowed. I still need to record an extro bounce. I have zero ideas for a jingle, but I’m thinking about it. Garage Band will hopefully help me out there.

It’s funny, but I always wanted to run a pirate radio station. It took the internet to make that happen.

It’s also giving me all sorts of ideas for short music films. So I continue to upload music for all four of my listeners, not counting myself.

In other news, things remain challenging and frustrating and I am not a happy camper, but I don’t appear to be in the hole today, so YAY.

I do what I can with I have and pray.

Husband is ill too. Please send good vibes and healing thoughts.

* * *

And in other news, after too long and all the edits, the advance reader copy of The Apocalypse Bell will be going out soon. If you don’t get the Ursa Major Books DRCs and want to, drop me a note at angela at and I’ll add you to the list. Cover painting is coming along too.

* * *

Nine days and counting as of noon today! Please get the word out!

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I adored that she looked like Marilyn Monroe trapped in a post-apocalyptic movie, but…STILL HAD RED LIPSTICK.

Yes, like cockroaches, MAC Viva Glam will survive the apocalypse. I just know it.

* * *

Had another interview this morning and have sent out more CVs to interested parties. The work continues.

* * *

The Fool’s staff is DONE. Done, done, done. Pictures will be following later. It looks wicked awesome. I am thrilled with how it came out.

Now to just get the tunic made as soon as the fabric arrives and then… Tiny fiddley bits and WE SHOOT.

So. Close.

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Queen of Sheba

I didn’t get her name at the time, but I have since learned that it is Willow Bell. For real. I love it. Perfect name for a protagonist.

This shot is when I fell in love.

I was in the pool with all the other photogs* and she spotted me zoomed in on her (this is why I have a red camera body! you can see me!). And she posed, gave me the Queen of Sheba look without me even asking.


I gave her my card after, along with most of the Badlands Savages Tribe. I really really really hope she’s up for coming out to play with the Apocalyptica.

*Bene Notte: what the hell? Yet again, I was the ONLY woman pro photog in the pool. I felt like I should be shouting out like Sheriff Bart in Blazing Saddles: “where all the white women at?!” It’s made me feel very strange for five seconds and then I went back to making friends. Cameras, like tobacco shared, makes us friends.

* * *

Slowly figuring out how Radionomy works. Recorded my intro box yesterday. If I feel up to it, I’ll do my extro box today. For those who don’t speak Broadcasting, a box is an individual unit of recorded whatever. Apparently, even in the new days of the internet, we still can’t avoid calling them boxes or carts. It dates back to when you literally would program your radio show by yanking boxes and stacking them in the order you were going to play them. I am amused that it translated from the physical world that radio once was.

I am a little anxious this morning, but not overly so. Can’t say that I care.

Slowly updating the Ursa Major website while I’m at it too. It’s kludgey and I don’t like it, but it’s the best I can do right now. Bah. VisionWalker by Ashley Harper is once more live on Amazon. That *does* make me happy.

Anyway, I do what I can with what I’ve got.

So, yeah. I had a thought about selling my sketch book when I’m done filling it up. Instead of burning it. Put it up on eBay and see what happens. It’s a definite thought. What do y’all think? Worth doing, or continue to feed my pyromania? *cues up Def Leppard*

In the meantime, I got my eye hooks from Amazon yesterday. Having a devil of a time setting them on the Fool’s staff. It may have been a nice idea and not workable. If so, I’ll just glue them in and call it good. Actually, I think that is exactly what I’m going to do. The E6000 is softer and I can probably screw them into that with no problem or at least set them in. Something to consider.


I’m doing okay this morning, even if I am a bit out of it.

Got to video the Mouse rehearsing her hip hop routine for her receital, which was amazing, because DAMN, that girl has gotten good. Lead dancer. Lead. Center stage and everyone following her. Was wild. I remember when she was four and the pot belly and the feet that wouldn’t turn out in ballet and now… Killing it.

Have an interview at my old temp agency tomorrow. They’ve always gotten me work in the past, between them and Career Group. Hopefully they’ll be able to land me some short term temp work. Everyone cross their fingers.

* * *

11 days and counting.

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Badlands Duchess

The Badlands Duchess Herself, Dianna Condon, leader of the Wasteland Badlands Tribe and Circus. Yes. Circus. LOVED her look. Also turns out we know a lot of the same people, as she is a sister bellydancer! Color me not at all surprised to have found this out.

This is from the Wasteland Weekend Car Show this past Saturday. It was so much damn fun.

* * *

Have unfortunately read a few depressing author blogs talking about how they’re not going to bother with trying to have a writing career anymore, because they didn’t/don’t sell. They’ll write for themselves. But no one will see it. Something about that really bothers me and makes me feel so fucking sad.

And then there was a comment I saw on a photographer who I admire, on his Facebook, from a fan who chastised him for using smoke in a shot because it was “pollution” and why didn’t he have more respect for the Earth? The photographer in question is a huge environmental activist and supporter. I just can’t even.

Color me crazy, but one photographer’s use of smoke in a shot is not the reason the world is dying. Talk about aiming the ire in the wrong direction. But that’s just it. People don’t feel they can be heard by those in actual power, so they turn on each other like rats in a too small cage.


I see posts from my peers that mean in varying degrees that things are shit today. Which is okay. Some days are shit. Pretending they aren’t doesn’t make them go away. Bad days exist. Refusing to acknowledge them, again, doesn’t make them go away. It just dismisses lived experience, which I’m finding is a super bad idea for mental health.

I feel beaten today. I have to get an additional gig as fast as possible. There’s the bare bones of it. I don’t like being desperate, and I’m not? Because it’s not desperation so much as urgency and I don’t handle stress and pressure very well right now. Depression is telling me I’m alone and no one wants to be my friend or even wants to know I exist, and really no wants me, period, which I *know* is bullshit, but there it is.

I turn 46 this year. I’m not rich and famous. I’m in process. They don’t tell you that all of life is being permanently In Process, or maybe that’s just me.

This is scattered and all over the place and that’s okay too. So I tell myself what I would tell my friends. Hang in there. This too shall pass. Get present. Breathe.

Just breathe.

* * *

The Magician cruises along at 37% with 12 days to go. I know we’ll get there. Please spread the word!

Io Pan

May. 23rd, 2016 03:13 pm
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Io Pan

or: we say hello to the Pan in the garden.

The green dots are the lasters that were lit throughout the space as little green stars. Absolutely wonderful.

It’s super noisy because of the low light, but I love grain/noise.

* * *

It was a Lost Weekend, but the best kind of Lost. I had an amazing time at the Wasteland Weekend Car Show on Saturday and got a lot accomplished, which included acquiring the first of many large wrenches. (I LOVE MY WRENCH.)

I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I was just so wiped out from the show. But like I said, it was amazing and I’m super glad that I went. It was wonderful fun and just being out on the road felt so good. I had a working audio cable for my phone, my music, nothing but road, and no hurry to be anywhere.

Of course the anxiety tried to eat me alive on Sunday, but that is it’s job. David tells me that it’s logical that I have these reactions. These reactions helped me survive my childhood and my younger life. It did what it was supposed to do. It kept me alive. I just don’t need it now, not in that way and learning that, when it’s all limbic system and lizard brain… It’s all aversion training, which sucks fucking ass.

But the disorder was and still is…a gift.

So today, I’ve been telling the feeling in my solar plexus that I am grateful, that I appreciate it so much, but it can stand down. I don’t know if it makes a difference. But I’m not as pranged today.

In the meantime, both husband and I are on the hunt for the next gig. The life of freelancers.

In the second meantime, I think we need to find Colette another forever home. She escaped the Ant today, and the Ant got injured in recovering her. This isn’t acceptable. It would be one thing if I had the kind of life and money that could be devoted to a dog of this intelligence and activity level, but I don’t. I still need to talk to the girls though. Colette is all of our dog. I can’t make this decision alone. It’s heart-breaking, but I don’t know what else to do.

* * *

Fabric is in production at Spoonflower. WOOO. We have 13 days left to get us to the Green Place. Please spread the word!

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Shadow Wine

It’s NSFW if you tilt your head sideways and squint…

* * *

Day 3 of actively taking care of myself and so far, so good. I have bleached my hair and this morning I went on a hike with L into Griffith Park from one of the trail heads that starts at the observatory. Wow. Beautiful views. And I don’t just mean the Hollywood sign. It was overcast and cool, which was wonderful, because there’s no real tree coverage on that trail.

* * *

I was going to say we’re at 31% but when I wasn’t looking, the wonderful Tom W. dropped some money on us and pushed us to 37%! Yay!!! As always, please keep spreading the word!

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Night Garden II

I love that this looks like a shoe ad out of Vogue Italia.

Speaking of which, if anyone at Vogue Italia wants to hire me for an editorial, holy cats, am I your girl.

* * *

Things are up in the air again, here at Casa de BiGJAM.


It is what it is. We always land on our feet. This happens, it keeps happening. I’m working to change it.

Had a really good and productive session at therapy today, but it’s stirred up a lot of shit. See things being up in the air.

It’s hard not to think that there’s something wrong with me, except that there is something wrong with me, I have a mental illness and it’s eating my head. So I breathe. It doesn’t make me easy to live with. I wish that it weren’t so, but there it is. At least I’m working on it. I’m able to dredge up a thin shred of compassion for myself because of that.

I am working on it.

In the meantime, I’ve got availability for photography slots or any of my other skill sets, so if you know of a gig for the next month to two months, let me know. Ideally, I’d like to point a camera at things, but I wear a lot of hats. If you need something sewn, or tax related, or written, I’m (again) your girl.

In other news, the campaign rumbles along. We’re at 31% with 23 days to go. Not too shabby. But as always, if you can only spread the word, please please please do. It helps so much.

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Mirror Mirror

Actually, a glass of wine would be lovely right now. It’s five o’clock somewhere, right?

* * *

I’m doing better today. Yesterday was spent in the hole for most of it, though I managed to pull myself out by the evening. Art and tequila will do that for you if you let them.

C sent me an absolutely hysterical photo this morning of himself in his utilikilt with a lace petticoat. Trust me, it’s funny as shit, because of a thing he said to me last week and helped me start the day off with a giggle and a gigantic smile on my face. I am really blessed in my friends and chosen family.

Props continue. I’m stalled on the Fool’s staff until I can get my ass to Home Depot for eye hooks to screw in to hang bits off the staff. Trust me, it makes sense in my head. Man, I’m asking you to trust me a lot today. I will do my best to be worthy of it.

The Fool’s bag though continues. Most of the trad embroidery is done (I realized I want to satin stitch the nose and need to go back and do that), and I’ve gotten all the leaves on and one of the vines. Then it will be all the ribbon roses, montees, and rhinestones I can eat to stick on it. Honestly, construction will probably take the least amount of time for any of these pieces. It’s taking the time to do the embellishment that’s really taking these props from meat to holy crap. I’m very happy.

In the meantime, we hold steady. It’s Wednesday. We’ve got a month to go.

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Night Garden

This is from the shoot I did May of 2014? 2015? Gah, no brain.

I’m in the hole this morning. Again. Only one way to go. Up.

But I have gone to the bank and I have taken my meds. That right there is good. So. Yeah.

My desk is buried under paper and embroidery supplies. You’d think I was working on a giant art series or something.

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So. Campaign for the next trump in Tarot Apocalyptica is up and live — The Magician.

It’s funny, but this is harder than the first.

I’m in the hole right now. Anxiety brain is trying to eat me and depression has me low. I’m still functional, just slow today. I’m figuring out how to make all of this work. Even while bits of my brain wind themselves in knots of self-loathing.

The Fool is coming along, I dare say brilliantly. The staff is almost complete, and I have the materials for the Fool’s pack to cut. I found a piece of faux leather left over in one of the work bins from a while back that’s perfect. Embossed peacock eyes. Small scale, so it won’t read that well in the image, but I know it’s there. I cling to the work and bury myself in it while I wait to see my shrink at the end of the month. Art as treatment modality.

Which is good. Isis (one of the cats) pushed a bowl off my desk and it shattered. That was how this morning started. I feel somewhat like the bowl. The day got off to a very rough start.

So I shall paint my face like Furiosa and fang it.

There’s still seventy-eight months of work and some change ahead of me. The Magician awaits.

I need your help. I’m hoping you’ll keep riding this war rig with me. Please support directly by pledging to the campaign or spread the word. Just the last bit alone is a huge thing, as getting heard is sometimes the hardest part of these things.

I am really looking forward to riding further with you. It’s a doozy.

Witness me!


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