compulsive

*ticktickticktickticktick*

Blessed Yule, my lovelies. May all your Winter dreams for the New Year come true. So mote it be!

My heart is heavy and hurting. Have to remember to breathe.

Lunch. Going for comfort food and to attempt to not growl at every single person I go by. It's not their fault.

Okay, Bean is *finally* asleep and I have a Pumpkin in my lap. How the hell am I supposed to get work done? *sigh*

Also researching my manifesto for next year. Realize I have to commit to *at least* 52 new works next year, whether I like it or not.

Also thinking I may start a 365 project, because I'm fucking crazy.

Good night, dear ones. I'm just worrying. I need a new fucking hobby.

*tocktocktocktocktocktocktock*

the next one will be worse

Where storms are discussed and the number of people left standing are starting to be less and less.



* * *

I go on vacation tomorrow. I will be posting, because this is just liberation from the dayjob for a few days and means opportunity to work on the things that actually matter to me. Like getting ready for Santa's visit and starting the large canvas. I'll post process photos.

I feel like I'm coming out of my fog. I think that I was on the worry hamster wheel, because I foolishly thought I was overlooking a solution. But the reality is, I'm not. The current situation just has to be endured. I just have to deal and move on. There's nothing I can change right now, except the things that I am doing. There's no magic bullet. There's no mystical ticket that will get me out of this purgatory.

What I *can* do, is make art. Paint. Write. Edit photos. Work on my manifesto for 2010. Accept that if I mean to be a successful working artist, I need to up my output significantly.

In short, I need to be doing more things that scare me.

Hell, it got me through Sundoor.

I've also reminded myself through mantra that I am enough. This flesh. These bones. This skin. This body, even with the extra weight.

Enough.

Fear is just energy. I'll just use it to walk this Fire.