Grace

Apr. 6th, 2015 06:09 pm
angela_n_hunt: (Me 2014)
Well, fuck.

Today is shaping up to be one hell of a fucking Monday.

I’m worried sick for two separate friends, one who I have a fairly good idea of what’s going on, and another, where I have no fucking clue and I am warring between asking for details and my native instinct which says it’s none of my damn business and to mind said business.

My industry and fandom in general are shitting the bed in truly spectacular fashion and have been for the past few days where I alternately am horrified and spectacularly enraged at the bad behaviors on both sides of the damn issue and where anyone daring to take a middle or moderate position is immediately branded a traitor to a cause that I didn’t know we had to join in fucking lock-step.

And on top of this, the Columbia J-School review of the Rolling Stone UVA rape article basically boiled down to they should never have trusted the source, not, oh, I don’t know, the journo should have done her fucking job and y’know, reported and followed *all* leads, not just the cherry-picked one that fit her thesis. Ditto the editors and fact-checkers. Gods, I’ve had professors who would have annihilated me for that sort of error. On the same hand, do I think people should be fired over that error? I don’t know. I’m not in a position to know and make that sort of judgment and I’m rather sick of people making those sorts of judgments when they’re not in on the situation. That level requires information and direct closeness to the situation that I sure as shit don’t have and neither do most of the people I am reading. But gods, that doesn’t stop them from mouthing off from a place lacking of even a grain of compassion or empathy.

Speaking of errors, I made a rather spectacular one recently too and I’m correcting it, but sometimes it’s not enough and it all winds around to a concept that isn’t really mine it’s my husband’s, because it’s not a concept in Wicca, and it’s this:

Grace.

As in Divine Grace.

As in the idea of salvation and forgiveness of sin. As in the belief that it is possible to learn from our mistakes and the past and become better people, rather than dragging our errors behind us forever and ever like some sadistic and psychotic ball and fucking chain or being punished for said errors for ever and ever, because gods, what fuck ups we are and should be punished. As in the idea that unmerited mercy (because let’s be honest, no one is ever going to fucking agree what actually fucking merits motherfucking *mercy*) is a gift and one to be given over and over, unstintingly, because for the love of all the gods that ever were or ever will be, we need all the help we can get.

As in, for a damn fucking change, can we assume the best of people and ascribe humanity to the people on the other side of wherever from us instead of immediately assuming the fucking worst?

Is that just too fucking much to ask?

Apparently.

Apparently forgiveness and compassion and empathy are too rare and expensive for anyone to deploy anymore.

I’m just done.

I feel like shit. I hate making mistakes, but I also refuse to be crucified for them or treated like shit because I made one. I work to make amends. I work to understand. I work to forgive and remember, remember, fucking remember, that the others are there and just as human and fallible as I. I never deny the lived experience of another person, because I know, there but for the grace of all the fucking gods, go I.

We’re all just human.

I know I’m not alone.

I won’t let this drive me from the internet as it has driven so many of my friends. I will not stop believing in the innate goodness of my fellow human and their ability to overcome enormous and terrible odds. Because I have seen us do it before.

I will stand.

From one screw-up to another, I believe in us. I believe that we can be forgiven, even though as a Witch, I don’t see why we need to forgiven for just being us. I believe that we can make amends and restitution and reparation without those actions being used to punish and torture us into the opposite extreme. And that we can know where that line is and push back when we’re pushed to suffer more than whatever the crime or error warrants.

I believe in balance.

The only Unforgiveable in my lexicon is this. Refusing to acknowledge the humanity of others and refusing to take responsibility for our own actions and lives. There it is again. Balance.

We’re not all aggrieved and we’re not all agressors. The truth is always somewhere in the middle.

Which is where you’ll find me. Because I’m with the Hindus on this one. Grace, for me, is the ultimate key required for spiritual self-realization. If you want, call that salvation. Unearned, unasked for, unremarked mercy, and the possibility of a future filled with hope.

Yeah.

I don’t know if this makes any damn sense.

tl;dr Beloved Gods, show us mercy. For we have none to show for ourselves.
angela_n_hunt: (Default)
So, apparently I have been remiss.

Let me then now take the time to officially say to one and all, I am going in for oral surgery on Wednesday, January 26th. I'll be out of commission for about five days. I am going in to have all four of my wisdom teeth cut out of my jaw.

Two of them are heavily impacted and causing me recurring infections. One is sideways and pushing in to the molar in front of it. The other is just no bueno. Because I am 40, the roots of said teeth have completely grown in to my jaw. Hence the cutting, not so much the pulling. While technically extraction, this is surgery, they will be knocking me out for it and yeah.

It is what it is.

I'm not thrilled about it, but it has to be done, and aside from the infections, I'm wondering if it isn't triggering some of my migraines.

I am pissed as shit again to find yet *more* evidence (like I needed it) of the less then stellar care of my parents, because the surgeon very gently pointed out it would have been a lot easier on me to have had them removed when I was a teenager.

Y'know. When I was still in their care.

But, what can you expect from a father who wasn't present and a mother so crazy and self-involved that I was an afterthought?

So now I get to be $600 out of pocket and deal with five days or more of serious pain, rather then the couple of days of discomfort it would have been when I was a kid.

Yeah.

Not happy.

I'd run a print sale to help offset the cost of my surgery, but I don't think I'm going to be in any shape to do any fulfillment. So instead, if you'd like to help a sister out, check out my Imagekind site: http://angelanhunt.imagekind.com.

They're also having a sale right now, 20% off everything when you enter code: SNOWBALL at checkout. Sale ends 1/13/2011.

I would deeply appreciate prayers, energy, white light, Reiki, offerings to the Spaghetti Monster for my quick recovery and incident free healing,

So.

Whee.

That's me.

Just a laugh a minute around here.
angela_n_hunt: (nanowrimo)
*surfaces*

*gasps for air*

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

Seriously. That may have been the hardest NaNoWriMo ever for me. I clocked in early this morning with 50,166 words verified. I'm still 35K short of an actual novel, but it's a start.

Now I push the thing away for six weeks and do anything but write. The post novel ennui has landed on me like a sack of hammers, but I'm okay with that. I feel like I was in a fight, but that's appropriate, considering this is Alice we're talking about. She didn't give up her secrets easy and she won't give me the other 35K any easier, I just know it.

But if all goes well, I'm hoping to be done by next Rabbit Hole Day, at which point I will post the new version of the first chapter of the novel of Alice Assassin, which is still titled Holes.

Like I said, it's not the novel I thought I'd be writing.

*shrug*

I like it better than the one I thought I was going to write.

And on that note, I'm going to stare dumbly at my computer. What are all of you up to? Tomorrow, I'll post my Yule list.
angela_n_hunt: (Default)
So.

The Behemoth died the final death last Thursday. The hard drive enclosure I found came last night and was... wait for it...

Too small.

At that point, I quit for the night. It's been one fucking thing after the other these last five days and at that point, it was just the better part of valor to go to fucking bed. Which I did. I read a little bit of the latest Julia Cameron book I have (not much of which I think I actually really saw) and then went to sleep.

And cried.

Again.

This is one of the very, very, very few things that I resent about having had children. Before I had my girls, I didn't cry except rarely. It required an effort of will to weep, especially in front of people. When I went to Sundoor, one of the things that I gave myself express permission to do was to cry if I felt that I needed to cry.

At the time, it was liberating.

But now...

For fuck's sake, I cry at the drop of the hat. I don't know if I stuffed it for so long that I've reached my limit or what. I am slowly finding a way to put a lid on it, because I am not pretty when I cry. The Bean and I cry the same way. We get red and angry. We're not like the Mouse who cries these perfect jewel like tears.

So, having achieved some sort of lid, I'm back to where I was, so long ago. Crying makes me angry.

It doesn't help that I've gone missing from my Goddess and my other attendant spirits. I know they're there. I'm the one who's lost. Not them. I'm the one who's abandoned my practice. I'm the one who has forgotten the feel of the Fire.

Droughts end, I tell myself. Obstacles are surmounted if I don't give up. Mountains are conquered if I continue to climb. Crying solves nothing.

But I can't stop.

I just want gear to fucking work. I want to keep my agreements to all the people I have promised to deliver to. I hate when the World thwarts my will, even though I know that it's way fucking bigger than me and often has bigger plans than I can conceive. It makes me want to scream and break things. It makes me drive way too fucking fast and recklessly.

Right now, I don't fucking give a shit.

And when I get angry, the blades come out.

Is that the best you've got, motherfucking World? You'll have to work a lot harder to stop me. Because the only way you will is to kill me.

Bring it.

I will not fucking stop.
angela_n_hunt: (Default)
My camera, the Nikon 8800, has died.

Dead.

Won't even come on.

Yeah.

If you wanna find me, I'm going to be in the kitchen, doing tequila shots.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

bent brain

Oct. 22nd, 2009 10:17 am
angela_n_hunt: (Default)
Between the anxiety attack this morning and reading something this morning that made me stop and go, "Are you kidding me?"

My brain is bent. Bending. Gumby all over the place.

I'm running a lot of anger as a result. But anger is a map. It tells me the direction I need to go. It tells me what I need to do, if I stop and listen to it without letting it flood my system with adrenalin and go on a rage bender.

Gods, if you guys only knew. The lies people tell. The self-aggrandizement they perpetuate.

And no, I'm not going to explain. It's not for me to explain. Don't have the permission.

But it's there.

All those people you see out there in the world, on the news, supposed experts in media/entertainment?

They don't know as much as they say they do. Let's just put it that way.

Yeah. Back to it. This is war.
angela_n_hunt: (Default)
I've been listening to my AllRise tracks on my iPod a lot. It's been helping and my bud, Adam, assures me they'll be back from the dead some day. They better. Good music is worth its weight in gold.

But moving on.

Lots going on.

Finished the video yesterday. Waiting to hear from someone before I share it, but this I can say. I'm really pleased with it. Really happy. It's tough at the same time though.

Things have been so rough lately, that finishing didn't give me the normal rush of euphoria of a finished project. I went rather straight into Post Project Ennui. And relief. I've been so slammed lately that finishing, I sat there, I did yell YES, but I immediately felt, oh thank the gods, that's done, on to the next.

Aiya.

And it's true, but I don't have to like it. My desk is snowed under work, not just for me, but for others.

Also, today, Ree and her family are possibly facing having their home taken from them, but I won't know how that comes out till a few hours from now.

As you all know, I fucking suck at waiting.

Other friends are going through major challenges. No jobs. It's just very shitty.

*scrubs face with both hands*

I guess all I'm saying is that it's Monday with a vengeance.

Dear Goddess, help. Let today not suck.
angela_n_hunt: (Default)
Well, we're back. I'm back. My laundry list is Mt. Everest sized.

I am depressed due to exhaustion and did I mention I'm exhausted? I'm leaving the house soon to do my one and only errand and then I'll be back to post pictures and work work work.

Dayjob emailed me today to make sure I was coming back on Monday.

Was tempted to say no.

But bills call.

Also, I'm putting together some stock photo submissions. I need 50 key words to tag my work. I'm blanking. If anyone has suggestions, please leave in the comments. I'm starting with my travel work, but any keyword suggestions will be most welcome.

Now I'm to it.
angela_n_hunt: (Default)
I'm in a super crank mood.

It's probably due to lack of sunshine/Vitamin D, but there are relevant issues to crank my mood.  Hunt Press site apparently went catastrophically down and no one at the host thought to inform me.  I didn't get the next 100 pages of the novel printed and shoved in my bag, so I can't edit today.  The DVR was having audio issues this morning.  We're tight this week, because it's rent that needs paying.  I don't have a working computer and the camera I desire is so out of my reach right now as to be on Mars.

Oh yeah.

Avast, you bastards.  I'm coming for you with a knife in my teeth. 

Crank mood always makes me even more aggressive, which as some people who know me would comment is even scarier, since they think I'm aggressive enough already.

Today had better not fuck with me.  I am not in the mood to be fucked with.  See note about knife in teeth.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Okay, that being out of the way now, I already feel better.  Sometimes you just have to put on the copper suit a la Terry Pratchett and climb the hill during the electric storm to scream, "All Gods are bastards!"

Yeah.

So.

Moving on.

*deep breath*

If anyone can please please PLEASE help me with the Hunt Press website and also in getting my personal site up and live, or you know someone who is not truly expensive, please let me know.

I need help.

Thanks.
angela_n_hunt: (Default)
One of the letters in the mail waiting for me last night was from Countrywide.

They've denied our short sale. Say the buyer's offer is "too low."

Right.

Whatever.

I'm trying to not be sick.

Time to lawyer up.

At this point, as far as I'm concerned, they are deliberately forcing us into foreclosure and deliberately destroying our credit. They would rather get nothing, as far as I can tell, than something. They won't get a damn thing if they try to sell the damn house at auction.

I don't know why I bothered to do the right thing. I don't know why I bothered for the last fucking year. It's been a whole fucking year now. First with trying to keep the house and second with trying to be ethical and sell it, rather than have them foreclose.

I've filed complaints with the AG and the OCC. I've written letters (you saw one of them). Apparently for nothing.

Even if we go back on the market (because this just killed the deal with the buyer, if it's the truth), there's no guarantee we'll find another buyer. We certainly won't, asking for more money. The neighborhood doesn't support it. The comps aren't there, unless you look a mile away in the Beverlywood Association proper, where, hello, they don't have the fucking crime. More importantly, the house isn't in the Assoc... But whatever.

It doesn't really matter, does it?

The husband is for letting it go and releasing it, not considering it worth the karma to fight. We're moved and the sooner we're done with the house, the better, foreclosure or not, destroyed credit or not.

I...want vengeance and justice. I don't want to just let them destroy my credit. I want to see every branch of Countrywide burning, the ground salted so they can't come back. I want some reparation for having lost a year of my life to dealing with these people.

My husband has a point. I just don't know if I'm evolved enough on the subject to go that way. I don't think I am.

So. Lawyers now. If we don't have a leg to stand on, there it is. They'll let us know.

Anyone know anyone at the LA Times that I can talk to as well? There's no way I'm letting this vanish into the night.

So that's the update. I wish it were good news. But it's not.

Yeah.

Fuck.

UPDATE: Spoke to people and got advice/counsel. We've got nothing. No recourse. So, no lawyering up.

I'd still like to speak to the press, but I think I'm going to try and find a different channel for this energy. Something. Make some really angry art and burn it.

Fuck.
angela_n_hunt: (Default)
Yeah.

About the computer.

It wouldn't come on for an hour this morning.

Yeah.

So.

No pictures today. Again. My apologies. I am...well, I'm not as devestated as I could be, because I think I'm just numb. In the brief periods of time it's been on, the Ant has been able to back up photographs and writing. But there's a metric fuck ton of other material still on the small machine.

I think I'm numb because if I start thinking about it too much, I will start hysterically crying.

There's no money for a new computer. I'm calling Dell this weekend to see if by some miracle, my machine is under warranty or if a small service fee could possibly fix it. I'm not...hopeful.

And life in general today is not as happy as I would like. I'm sad and I'm lonely. But I've said that already.

Right. Enough wallowing. Back on my head. I'd say buy some art or buy a book from the press, but frankly, I couldn't get anything to anyone right now.

So yeah.

Enough.

This too shall pass. Everyone think good thoughts for me. I'm going to keep swinging in the meantime.

HELP

Jan. 17th, 2008 11:28 am
angela_n_hunt: (Default)
This is my sister, [profile] barriequark aka [profile] friendlyquark.

Her glasses just broke. The frames. Snap. She's blinder than I am.

We are stone broke.

She needs help getting new ones. If anyone can spare a dollar or two, I'm asking that you please send her a donation at mncoy at earthlink dot net. Any amount will help. Anything.

She's an amazing writer and artist. She's very well known in the Harry Potter fan fiction universe, writing under the name of friendlyquark.

Please help. She's sick today and this has utterly depressed her. It's also rather critical to get fixed as she's on deadline with freelance work and taped together glasses do not make for good work environment.

Thank you.

And if nothing else, prayers, good vibes and white light are appreciated too. With the ways things are breaking around our house, we need all the prayers/white light we can get.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hang on a street corner and get people to pay me money to pet our dog.

Fuck.

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