Reorganization

Originally published at Curse & Quanta. Please leave any comments there.

It’s not just for businesses.

Today I feel sad. There it is. There’s a lot of paperwork involved in transferring a business and closing out contracts and filing compliance with the state. If there’s a silver lining, it’s this. It’s not sending me into the hole and I don’t feel overwhelmed. Yay better living through chemistry. Yay therapy. I’m moving slowly and methodically through my tasks and as I hit moments where I don’t feel well…I stop. I don’t push through. I rest.

Very different from the way I used to do things.

Another silver lining is that I had a huge perspective shift in the middle of the night when I did my usual mid-sleep cycle wake up thing that I’m currently doing. The anxiety? It’s just energy. It is, in fact, possibly my main engines coming back online. But more importantly, it’s just a feeling. It’s not forever. I don’t have to know why I’m feeling what I’m feeling. I just have to be as kind as I know how to everyone around me and especially to myself. The constant dissection of myself and my, at times, non-existent motives because my primary user liked to interrogate me like a criminal, so I started doing it to myself?

Bogus. It has done nothing but hurt me and disappoint me. Made me feel a failure and worthless. That’s not the sign of a good tool. That’s the sign of dysfunction. And where I would have asked before, “Why the fuck did I think that was a good tool?”, a) who fucking cares? and b) well, actually, I know the answer to this one. Programmed by my abusive mother.

Except (and here we go back to marathon mantras), it doesn’t fucking matter.

Now, matters.

No. This is not the life I wanted. This is not where I meant to go. And that’s okay. If Beyonce can fail spectacularly, so can I. It’s not fun, but whatever.

And what’s funny is I’ve had my own advice sent back to me multiple times from multiple loved ones. Apparently, I am very wise. I should listen to myself more often.

So I strip down. I get lean. It’s a good thing.

My shoulder is aching a bit today after doing my morning arm undulations. I’ve drafted transfer papers. The morning has been quiet. Isis kitty has kept me company on my desk.

*nodnod*

Here we go.

Reorganization

It's not just for businesses.

Today I feel sad. There it is. There's a lot of paperwork involved in transferring a business and closing out contracts and filing compliance with the state. If there's a silver lining, it's this. It's not sending me into the hole and I don't feel overwhelmed. Yay better living through chemistry. Yay therapy. I'm moving slowly and methodically through my tasks and as I hit moments where I don't feel well...I stop. I don't push through. I rest.

Very different from the way I used to do things.

Another silver lining is that I had a huge perspective shift in the middle of the night when I did my usual mid-sleep cycle wake up thing that I'm currently doing. The anxiety? It's just energy. It is, in fact, possibly my main engines coming back online. But more importantly, it's just a feeling. It's not forever. I don't have to know why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. I just have to be as kind as I know how to everyone around me and especially to myself. The constant dissection of myself and my, at times, non-existent motives because my primary user liked to interrogate me like a criminal, so I started doing it to myself?

Bogus. It has done nothing but hurt me and disappoint me. Made me feel a failure and worthless. That's not the sign of a good tool. That's the sign of dysfunction. And where I would have asked before, "Why the fuck did I think that was a good tool?", a) who fucking cares? and b) well, actually, I know the answer to this one. Programmed by my abusive mother.

Except (and here we go back to marathon mantras), it doesn't fucking matter.

Now, matters.

No. This is not the life I wanted. This is not where I meant to go. And that's okay. If Beyonce can fail spectacularly, so can I. It's not fun, but whatever.

And what's funny is I've had my own advice sent back to me multiple times from multiple loved ones. Apparently, I am very wise. I should listen to myself more often.

So I strip down. I get lean. It's a good thing.

My shoulder is aching a bit today after doing my morning arm undulations. I've drafted transfer papers. The morning has been quiet. Isis kitty has kept me company on my desk.

*nodnod*

Here we go.