The Enchanter's Theorem

Mad Model, originally uploaded by quennessa.

Really, do I need to say anything?

Yeah.

* * *

It's Monday. The dayjob waits.

I am apparently depressed again, which pisses me off. One of the recent tasks in The Artist's Way (which I'm doing again with the Ant) said to list 20 things I like to do.

It took me an hour to make that list.

Yeah.

That's fucked up.

But the reality is that I don't have tons and tons of things that I like to do or that make me happy right now. Everything leaves a taste of ash in my mouth lately, which I don't notice, until something like this and makes me look around and go, "Damn it! Depressed again??? FUCK!"

I don't have the kind of depression my mother faces or that my great grandmother faced. I can dig my way out with minimal work, by applying vitamins and sunlight and exercise. I don't even know how to describe falling back into the grips of a mild depression. How you being to slack on things like the vitamins and the sunlight and the exercise, because you feel fine!

Until you don't.

Doesn't help that I have some real world stressors as well that are contributing to the down cycle. Doesn't help that the depression has a predilection to convincing me that I'm trapped and worthless. It's not real. It's just bio/neurochemistry. But oh, it is compelling chemistry. It would rob all color out of my world if I let it. It is a demon that I can only keep contained in its bounding circle through eternal vigilance.

Which is exhausting.

Which lets the demon out of its circle.

So, I'm back to faking it today. Telling myself that things matter, even though my chemisty says that they don't. Telling myself to get up and go outside today at lunch. To do push ups. To do ballet plies.

Eventually, it'll become true.

M & A, originally uploaded by quennessa.

And we wander into fashion territory for a few more photos...

Some day I'll tell you about my brief time in the fashion trenches at a clothing company. Holy crap. Nearly killed my love of fashion, which is saying a lot.

* * *

Did not get enough sleep last night.

Send coffee and cute cabana boys with cucumbers for my eyelids.

CK, originally uploaded by quennessa.

And for Stacy, the shoes. :)

Does she not look fierce? Fierce!!! So happy to have this for my book.

* * *

Sitting here, blinking owlishly. My head is still in story. Momentum suddenly cranked and I can feel the downhill fall/rollercoaster drop towards the end. FINALLY. It's a feeling that I wait for and it's a literal visceral feeling I get when all the story elements go *click* and fall in to place. If I'm right, the rest of the novel should go as fast as I can physically write it.

I just have to make the time and write it.

I'm also reading two business books at the same time (what, you don't?) and they are kicking my ass. I'm often befuddled at the reaction of other creatives when they find out I read business books. Dude, there's some good stuff in these things. The stuff Bob Sutton recommends alone... Jeez. Worth the price of admission. But then I've always been an omnivore when it comes to books. Has words? Great, I'll read it. Good writing is good writing.

Hell, I'm such an omnivore for books, it drove me to start the press. LOL

Lots churning in my brain. May manifest as blogs, may not. One way or another, it's good. I feel like my brain has finally come out of the fog it was in.

Forward momentum!