angela_n_hunt: (Me 2014)
Magician Crosses
Magician Crosses - Tarot Apocalyptica - 11-2016

I want it put down officially for the record that it was the Mouse's idea to go in the water. I didn't even bring it up. So we went down the embankment and she walked into the shoals of the Los Angeles River.

This was the last shot of the shoot. Daylight dying by the second around us. The sound of the sunset chorus coming from the songbirds. Far away, the distant hiss of traffic from Burbank Avenue and the 405. (Yeah, this place is right between the arms of them. Crazy innit?)
There is such an introspection and peace to this image.  Last light. Last look.

Time to head home.
* * *
So leading up to the shoot we had a Black Moon while all of this was going on. Second New Moon of the month, which happens as rarely as the Blue Moon does. (Imma gonna get all woo woo on you.) Apparently really prangs the energy, and actually made sense why I was feeling so sideways to the world.

In other news, being October with my birthday, anniversary, and Samhain coming, I realized I had no energy to carve pumpkins, let alone decorate. I was just too damn tired and had no motivation or enthusiasm to do it.

Luckily, this is where the Bean stepped in. I let her decorate the house with the regular things to her great delight. Delegating! I can haz!

And I told myself not to stress.

Yeah.

That went as well as you think.

* * *

And currently, as of today, I find myself thinking of my father a lot. Which is normal. We're coming up on his death day. My father tried to teach me so many things that I am only now starting to understand. Gods above know why he thought a six-year-old was going to grasp this shit, but hey, it made an impression and I'm apparently figuring it out now.

He used to play this game with me. He would say, you can make any rule for the game. So, I'd make up something silly, like stand on one leg. Then it would be his turn, and he always said, "I make a rule that I win."

And I would lose my shit, well as much as a six-year-old can. But every time, he'd point out that it wasn't cheating. I had not made a rule that said you had to win by a certain metric. (Yes, I'm quoting.) He never said as much, but I think what he was trying to say to me is/was: we make our own rules. We are the masters of our destiny. Not our churches, not our governments, not even our peers. We decide what our moral or immoral center is. And one of those choices can be, to win. But you have to choose, and you have to abide by those choices. Be willing to take those consequences.

Quite the lesson packed into so small a game. It's up there with his, the sky is red thing that he'd spring on me from time to time.

So.

I make a rule that I win. It’s not cheating. The parameters of the game are that you can make your own rules. One of those rules can be, I rule that I win. Done. No. It’s not fair. But life’s not fair, and anyone telling you differently is selling something.
My rule is, I win.

And you can too.

* * *
You ever have one of those days where you just wonder where you are? Not literally. Not physically. Just...at what point am I in my life? Where am I? Who the fuck am I? The Universe is vast and uncaring and yet...likes Life. Endless life in endless combinations. Infinite diversity.

I forgot my meds yesterday. No bueno, but I also didn’t pass out around three to get a nap. Something to think on. I don't know if it's happening because the Wellbutrin is wearing off and the Prozac takes over, and the Prozac makes me sleepy. I took my regular dose this morning. We'll see what happens. (Yes! I am my own test bed!)

My hand remor was bad this morning too. Thing is, I don't notice it anymore unless I'm trying to do fine handwork, or someone points it out. I've just learned to work around it.

I can't decide if that's good or bad.

What else?

I feel good today, if in a bit of pain, so painkillers before I head out to Costco. Pray for me.

What else?

I’m really not all here today. I am just drifting out of my body, wordless and floaty.

And last night was rough. I had a whole raft of difficult and painful emotion come up that I kept trying to process on my own and that was rather stupid. Then the light bulb went on and I thought, how about I just...sit with the feeling. Stop trying to fix or resolve it. Just let myself feel the pain, the hurt, and the disappointment, and let myself grieve. And eventually, all the pain and hurt processed and drifted away.

I wish I could retain this lesson better. It keeps getting taught to me and every time, I act so damn surprised. Gah.

And that's it.

What's next?
angela_n_hunt: (Me 2014)
Magician Waits

Magician Waits - Tarot Apocalyptica - 11-2016
This one is very similar to the portrait, but has a completely different feeling for me. Also, apparently my idea to avoid water at all costs for the Waste? Yeah, that went out the window...

I have only done the usual color correcting on this one.
That's it.

That's the shot.

It wants to be a book cover so badly.

Also, at this point, I had ditched the fucking flash. It was just pissing me off so much because I was having to make do with the on-camera pop up flash, and that fucker always blows out way too fucking hot.

Did I mention that my external flash unit failed before we started shooting? Yes. The fucker failed.

So, this is me remembering all of my long gun training and getting super steady with my breath and using my knee under my elbow as a tripod. Like you do.

I fucking love it.
* * *
Yes, there's actually more...

I had a whole new batch spawn sub thoughts about how I just don’t bounce back from things anymore. The body is just so slow to recover.
I fucking hated it. I continue to hate it, but I am coming to some kind of detente with reality. We'll see how it goes.

Then there's today. Anger is still right there under the surface. I’m having more stairway conversations.

Today, I’m going to try and draw an angel. I’m going to draw it on the tablet and see how it goes.
Spent the morning daydreaming/troubleshooting the High Priestess. Thinking about how to make the dress for Cristi without it being perfect on a dress form and that’s all fucking right. I just have to get it constructed. Dress form could be months from now if ever. It’s all good.

Though, I gotta get me the Brother sooner than later though. Being able to do embroidered keyholes for the Imperator??? EEEEEEEE. But whatever. We’ll make due.

Because I hate putting in buttonholes. They are the worst.
angela_n_hunt: (Me 2014)
Magician
Magician - Tarot Apocalyptica sides - 11-2016

Okay. Yeah. I can kinda take a pretty damn good photo.

Another accident, sorta. I was trying to get detail of the hair and crown and the Mouse just stayed in character.

I had a shred of light left from Golden Hour when I shot this and it shows.  I have cropped and done some burning, along with the usual color correcting that I like, but other than that, that's it.

This one is going in a frame and going over my desk. I think it's the best photo I've taken of her in years. The Husband's comment was, "Ooo, yeah. That's Arya Stark."

Fuck yeah.

* * *

Continuing catch up...

Along with the relapse of really bad depression, I also caught both a horrid cold AND an ear infection. No, I don't know how I managed it either, other than the fact that depression literally depresses your immune system. I'd just never experienced it before. Holy fuck, that SUCKED. And dude, I haven't had an ear infection since I was a child. I will not regale you with TMI of what I had to do to get over it and clear that eustachion tube, but fuck sticks, that was awful.

The rest of the time, I just felt in limbo.

Never mind that September the 27th rolled around, the day that my Uncle-in-Law, Albert "Bud" Wheelon died, two years ago and some change. It hurt this year more than last. I'm hoping that someday others will illuminate his legacy as things de-classify. Maybe it will be me. I don't know. I just know that he shouldn't be forgotten by history or America. I don't want to see him suffer a Hamilton, and get forgotten for two hundred years. It's not every day that you find out that you are related by marriage to the first Mayor of Area 51.

Then October hit. My birthday month. And then the long slide into the holidays. This year flew by. They keep doing that. But whatever. I keep working. I keep writing. I keep making cards.

During all of that, my self-talk was pretty poisonous.  Sub thoughts rolling around in my head about how I was nothing and haven’t amounted to anything in my life. How everyone I know is more successful than me and doing more than me.

Which is bullshit.

And then I started to improve healthwise. I had moments of feeling moderately happy and content, even if the poison thoughts ran in the background. I got my skull rivets back, (someone had walked off with them) so I went back to work pounding rivets on the Magician's belt and corset.

I was working.

But I was fighting myself every Gods-be-damned inch of the way.

angela_n_hunt: (Me 2014)
Alternate Magician
Alternate Magician Card - 11-2016

NB: main website is down for inexplicable reasons, so this gets to come live on LJ first.


This was actually the version of the Magician I was going to go with at first, but as I was fiddling with my camera, the Mouse had relaxed and...THAT (which I haven't posted yet) was the shot. Which I took, and this was no longer the Magician. 

Considering how I threw every obstacle I could think of in my own path to sabotage this shoot and this process, (no, really, I fucking was and it was fucking stupid, but somethimes you have to be stupid) it was a miracle that I got THIS shot, never mind the one that followed.

Saturday's shoot was the perfect example of what happens when I finally get the fuck out of the way of the work and just do the fucking work.Hopefully this time it'll stick. Cause it's not the first fucking time I've had this damn revelation.

But more on the shoot later...

* * *

And I begin  to catch you up...

I had a relapse. That's why I had not been blogging or talking as much and pretty much reduced to retweeting memes. Crushing depression, I had gotten to that stage of work with the Sutro Bath shoot where I just wanted to quit, because I hated everything. Ditto for the Apocalyptica and I'd only gotten one card in the bag. What the hell. Talk about resistance.  (I will be finishing up Sutro now, but it's on the back burner.)

So I put my head down and I kept swinging and I kept working,  but it felt like I am and was going so so so slow. Slow is better than not at all. It’s better than a lot of people ever manage. So why couldn't I just chill and do the work?

Because I was depressed and felt like shit and that was the hardest thing to do right then.

And really, if it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it.

So I just sat with how I felt. It is and was okay to feel like shit. Nowhere does it say that I have to feel great all the time and nowhere does it say that I have to perform happiness or wellness for anyone.

So it really fucking sucked to go through, but the jewel I found in the dark was worth it. I did say that this Apocalyptica was a journey of recovery. I just wish I knew a little more ahead of time when I'm fortelling, know what I'm sayin'?

Bloody hell.

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