Aug. 15th, 2016 09:34 am
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Originally published at Curse & Quanta. Please leave any comments there.


Apparently I was just unconsciously shooting book covers for an epic fantasy series…

I’m not complaining!

There’s nothing about this one that I don’t love. NOM.

* * *

I woke up okay, but the anxiety is trying to amp up to panic, so I’m breathing and doing the exercises first, before I go and take my Klonopin.

School starts tomorrow. As a result, I am taking the Bean out to get new shoes. Shockingly, the shoes the Mouse currently has are fine and she loves them. One less thing.

* * *

Trying to figure out how much I can do in a day is really frustrating me. I just have no sense of what my endurance or recovery time is. I know I need to exercise more, but everything is a choice. I can exercise and not work on the Apocalyptica. I can exercise or not take care of my girls the way that they need. I can’t give up on my health, because it is directly related to my sanity.

So. I’ve got to figure that out. Which is okay. Everything is solvable.

In the meantime, I need to get the rest of the Sutro photos processed so I can to strip the establishing shots I took over the weekend into the computer, so I can get them prepped. And everything is taking five times longer than I want it to and then I stop…

I breathe…

And remember…

It takes as long as it takes.

And who knows? Hiking out to all these locations should get me in good shape. Climbing too. I’ll just let my body do what it needs to do. A breathing body is a perfect body.

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Originally published at Curse & Quanta. You can comment here or there.

Spiral Dance

And I do mean it this time.

This is, hands down, the best one of the series. I finally got reasonable control of the compositing and also stepped up my box of skills with applying effects to a singular layer. On top of that, if there’s one thing I can do, it’s retouch something to make it look like a light source is coming from someplace else.

* * *

Yesterday started with a zero to wide the fuck awake in twenty seconds with an issue that’s going to take days to resolve, but, BUT, it can be resolved, it’s just a time issue.


I am not impatient, why do you ask?

I also ended up walking to the CVS, which wasn’t that far away and ticked off my exercise today, my Japanese parasol over me to keep the evil day star from cooking my head. I looked very stylish if I say so myself. But it was definitely on the warm side and I really wished that not all of my shorts were in the laundry. *gasp*

Oh, and my mother (biological, the one who abused me) called and I’m seriously avoiding calling her back, because, fuck’s sake, I’ve got too much to do. But I’ll probably do it today. Get the toad swallowing out of the fucking way.

But the bright spot is that I cleaned more of my garden yesterday, I’m going to do more today, and Blue Apron sent me a packet of seeds in this past week’s box! Seeds! Yay! So Imma gonna plant ’em and put them on the window sill. Pea shoots, here we come. NOM.

* * *

As for today, I’m in the grips of the anxiety demon, though so far, it hasn’t gotten the advantage of me for the throw and the pin. I uploaded photos to Flicker this morning and the slog through the backlog continues. I’ve become far more selective of what I am choosing for series in general and what I’m not. Practice. It catches up with you.

The Bean was super mopey this morning and that didn’t help my brain either. Made pancakes in self-defense, which seemed to perk her up.

The Mouse has a birthday party to go too. I have no idea what that’s going to entail.

Oh, and I started cleaning the kitchen. No wonder I’m already tired, and amping up on the anxiety. So I will breathe, and stay centered, and stay present. Take my time. And if anyone doesn’t like it, they can suck my dick. Honey badger don’t fucking care.

And that’s it so far. Hope your Saturday is less full than mine.

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Originally published at Curse & Quanta. You can comment here or there.


Finally figured out what to call it.

* * *

My father’s birthday is today. I was doing okay earlier in the day, but as the evening has come on, so has the panic and some of that is related to mortality, missing my father, and having inadequate anxiety meds.

There is good news though.

Strange Weather is once more available on Amazon and it’s the 10th anniversary of that particular book. Still can’t believe that I finished the final edit on it ten years ago. I’m afraid I tweaked it a bit and will probably continue to tweak it. Because I can and because the anxiety needs something to be distracted by. Also, The Mad Scientist’s Beautiful Daughter should be live by tomorrow. I’m hoping to tweak it as well. In the meantime, have a link:

Oh, and the book is free starting tomorrow for the whole week. So. There’s that too.

* * *

I was mostly off line for a couple of days because I lost my wifi dongle antenna. The husband rescued Behemoth and I by running Ethernet cable for me, for which I am ridiculously grateful. I love him more than I can ever say.

But that was the lead up to, it’s ten days and counting on the High Priestess! Check it out!

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Originally published at Curse & Quanta. Please leave any comments there.

Fool's Progress

I just like the quiet contemplation of this one. It was my other choice for promo image.

* * *

Actually slept…ten hours? Or something like. Got up a couple of times to go to the bathroom, but still slept like the dead when I was sleeping. So clearly the bad neurochem yeserday was at work. I have some mild anxiety running this morning, but I’m working at breathing and staying present before I resort to the Klonopin.

Today is warming up hot. 91′ it projects, but it’s 83’ by 10:30, I’m going to call that bullshit and set out to water a couple of times today, or my pots are not going to survive. HIgh surf advisory too. Everything is fucked. Humidity is already at 54%. Where the fuck is the monsoon? UV Index is through the roof too. Fuck’s sake.

I am tired and sad though still, mentally. Reading Warren Ellis’ weekly newsletter and gods, the fury and grief rolling off his words. I don’t have half his skill, but whatever. He’s been doing it longer. Things are ugly in the European Union, and uglier in England.

Where is my Lionheart now?

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Originally published at Curse & Quanta. Please leave any comments there.

Fire Priestess

And we return to the Beltane shoot. Yum.

* * *

Did 2.45 miles on the treadmill this morning and lifted weights. I’m feeling it this evening as I move around, but after my first dose of new anxiety med, I am so grateful that getting to the gym was not the usual, “Okay. Get the clothes on. Okay. Drive to the gym. Okay. Get out of the car. Okay, see, we’re here, just get on a treadmill for a little bit…” routine that is my way of talking Bad Brain into working out.

This morning? I just went and was happy to go. Wild, the contrast.

I’m still up four pounds. But. I was able to open my fitness tracker and log calories for the first time since January. Finding food today wasn’t a chore and didn’t taste like cardboard. I haven’t felt overwhelmed even once today.

Today has been the first unequivocally good day I’ve had in weeks. I could cry from both relief and gratitude.

* * *

In other news, it’s two days till the Magician closes! If you want a print, now’s your only chance! Not kidding! Check it out! Get the word out! WOO.

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Originally published at Curse & Quanta. Please leave any comments there.

Queen of Sheba

I didn’t get her name at the time, but I have since learned that it is Willow Bell. For real. I love it. Perfect name for a protagonist.

This shot is when I fell in love.

I was in the pool with all the other photogs* and she spotted me zoomed in on her (this is why I have a red camera body! you can see me!). And she posed, gave me the Queen of Sheba look without me even asking.


I gave her my card after, along with most of the Badlands Savages Tribe. I really really really hope she’s up for coming out to play with the Apocalyptica.

*Bene Notte: what the hell? Yet again, I was the ONLY woman pro photog in the pool. I felt like I should be shouting out like Sheriff Bart in Blazing Saddles: “where all the white women at?!” It’s made me feel very strange for five seconds and then I went back to making friends. Cameras, like tobacco shared, makes us friends.

* * *

Slowly figuring out how Radionomy works. Recorded my intro box yesterday. If I feel up to it, I’ll do my extro box today. For those who don’t speak Broadcasting, a box is an individual unit of recorded whatever. Apparently, even in the new days of the internet, we still can’t avoid calling them boxes or carts. It dates back to when you literally would program your radio show by yanking boxes and stacking them in the order you were going to play them. I am amused that it translated from the physical world that radio once was.

I am a little anxious this morning, but not overly so. Can’t say that I care.

Slowly updating the Ursa Major website while I’m at it too. It’s kludgey and I don’t like it, but it’s the best I can do right now. Bah. VisionWalker by Ashley Harper is once more live on Amazon. That *does* make me happy.

Anyway, I do what I can with what I’ve got.

So, yeah. I had a thought about selling my sketch book when I’m done filling it up. Instead of burning it. Put it up on eBay and see what happens. It’s a definite thought. What do y’all think? Worth doing, or continue to feed my pyromania? *cues up Def Leppard*

In the meantime, I got my eye hooks from Amazon yesterday. Having a devil of a time setting them on the Fool’s staff. It may have been a nice idea and not workable. If so, I’ll just glue them in and call it good. Actually, I think that is exactly what I’m going to do. The E6000 is softer and I can probably screw them into that with no problem or at least set them in. Something to consider.


I’m doing okay this morning, even if I am a bit out of it.

Got to video the Mouse rehearsing her hip hop routine for her receital, which was amazing, because DAMN, that girl has gotten good. Lead dancer. Lead. Center stage and everyone following her. Was wild. I remember when she was four and the pot belly and the feet that wouldn’t turn out in ballet and now… Killing it.

Have an interview at my old temp agency tomorrow. They’ve always gotten me work in the past, between them and Career Group. Hopefully they’ll be able to land me some short term temp work. Everyone cross their fingers.

* * *

11 days and counting.

Io Pan

May. 23rd, 2016 03:13 pm
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Originally published at Curse & Quanta. You can comment here or there.

Io Pan

or: we say hello to the Pan in the garden.

The green dots are the lasters that were lit throughout the space as little green stars. Absolutely wonderful.

It’s super noisy because of the low light, but I love grain/noise.

* * *

It was a Lost Weekend, but the best kind of Lost. I had an amazing time at the Wasteland Weekend Car Show on Saturday and got a lot accomplished, which included acquiring the first of many large wrenches. (I LOVE MY WRENCH.)

I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I was just so wiped out from the show. But like I said, it was amazing and I’m super glad that I went. It was wonderful fun and just being out on the road felt so good. I had a working audio cable for my phone, my music, nothing but road, and no hurry to be anywhere.

Of course the anxiety tried to eat me alive on Sunday, but that is it’s job. David tells me that it’s logical that I have these reactions. These reactions helped me survive my childhood and my younger life. It did what it was supposed to do. It kept me alive. I just don’t need it now, not in that way and learning that, when it’s all limbic system and lizard brain… It’s all aversion training, which sucks fucking ass.

But the disorder was and still is…a gift.

So today, I’ve been telling the feeling in my solar plexus that I am grateful, that I appreciate it so much, but it can stand down. I don’t know if it makes a difference. But I’m not as pranged today.

In the meantime, both husband and I are on the hunt for the next gig. The life of freelancers.

In the second meantime, I think we need to find Colette another forever home. She escaped the Ant today, and the Ant got injured in recovering her. This isn’t acceptable. It would be one thing if I had the kind of life and money that could be devoted to a dog of this intelligence and activity level, but I don’t. I still need to talk to the girls though. Colette is all of our dog. I can’t make this decision alone. It’s heart-breaking, but I don’t know what else to do.

* * *

Fabric is in production at Spoonflower. WOOO. We have 13 days left to get us to the Green Place. Please spread the word!

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Originally published at Curse & Quanta. Please leave any comments there.

Night Garden II

I love that this looks like a shoe ad out of Vogue Italia.

Speaking of which, if anyone at Vogue Italia wants to hire me for an editorial, holy cats, am I your girl.

* * *

Things are up in the air again, here at Casa de BiGJAM.


It is what it is. We always land on our feet. This happens, it keeps happening. I’m working to change it.

Had a really good and productive session at therapy today, but it’s stirred up a lot of shit. See things being up in the air.

It’s hard not to think that there’s something wrong with me, except that there is something wrong with me, I have a mental illness and it’s eating my head. So I breathe. It doesn’t make me easy to live with. I wish that it weren’t so, but there it is. At least I’m working on it. I’m able to dredge up a thin shred of compassion for myself because of that.

I am working on it.

In the meantime, I’ve got availability for photography slots or any of my other skill sets, so if you know of a gig for the next month to two months, let me know. Ideally, I’d like to point a camera at things, but I wear a lot of hats. If you need something sewn, or tax related, or written, I’m (again) your girl.

In other news, the campaign rumbles along. We’re at 31% with 23 days to go. Not too shabby. But as always, if you can only spread the word, please please please do. It helps so much.

angela_n_hunt: (Me 2014)

Originally published at Curse & Quanta. Please leave any comments there.

Bathe in Moonlight

Just FYI, trying to shoot at night, with a flash, and get the moon in the shot? Way fucking harder than it looks. And sadly, because of the noise, I wasn’t able to make the moon bigger. I tried, but no.

That being said, I love how this came out. And yes, I wish I had a bathtub in my backyard too.

* * *

Spent my morning watching some Chase Jarvis video where he talks about needing to pay attention to the world to be a better photographer, actually a better anything, and that having wide interests and curiosities is what separates the good from the great. It made me want to find a few people and slap the living shit out of them with the video while shouting “SEE?!”

I have lost count of the number of times in my life where I was told to cut off bits of myself to conform and to narrow my interests and turn off my curiosity and it always felt wrong to me and I could never understand why those people were so hell bent on making me *smaller*. I still don’t understand it.

In fact, I fucking hate it.

But that’s neither here nor there.

Where was I going with this?


Anyway, that’s the state of my brain this morning. That and I need to fix a bank error and that’s got me freaked out. Good times.

Did I mention that I’m also really fucking tired?

I think I need a nap and a Valium. Or a Xanax.

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Originally published at Curse & Quanta. Please leave any comments there.

So. Campaign for the next trump in Tarot Apocalyptica is up and live — The Magician.

It’s funny, but this is harder than the first.

I’m in the hole right now. Anxiety brain is trying to eat me and depression has me low. I’m still functional, just slow today. I’m figuring out how to make all of this work. Even while bits of my brain wind themselves in knots of self-loathing.

The Fool is coming along, I dare say brilliantly. The staff is almost complete, and I have the materials for the Fool’s pack to cut. I found a piece of faux leather left over in one of the work bins from a while back that’s perfect. Embossed peacock eyes. Small scale, so it won’t read that well in the image, but I know it’s there. I cling to the work and bury myself in it while I wait to see my shrink at the end of the month. Art as treatment modality.

Which is good. Isis (one of the cats) pushed a bowl off my desk and it shattered. That was how this morning started. I feel somewhat like the bowl. The day got off to a very rough start.

So I shall paint my face like Furiosa and fang it.

There’s still seventy-eight months of work and some change ahead of me. The Magician awaits.

I need your help. I’m hoping you’ll keep riding this war rig with me. Please support directly by pledging to the campaign or spread the word. Just the last bit alone is a huge thing, as getting heard is sometimes the hardest part of these things.

I am really looking forward to riding further with you. It’s a doozy.

Witness me!

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Originally published at Curse & Quanta. Please leave any comments there.

Titania Considers

What it says on the tin. Oberon has made her offer. Will our Queen take it?

* * *

Was really in the hole last night. Numb. Insomnia.

I eventually managed to get to sleep, but it took work and hugging a pillow to death.

I don’t know where the fucking rent is coming after this next paycheck. I’m beginning to think that I’m not going to be able to go to the half marathon at this rate because I don’t know that we’ll be able to afford it. Which makes me furious.

So we’re struggling. Husband’s in the hole too and I can’t send him to get therapy and I’m just looking around at all the people I know who fucking need medication or at least talk therapy and how none of them are getting help because they can’t fucking afford to get it.

When did the United States turn into a third world country? And can we please get it back?

If I could do anything today, it would be leave. I would get in the car, drive to the nearest five-star hotel, and sleep for a week. In between, eating room service. I’d pay for everyone to go see a fucking shrink. I’d buy a fucking house and a studio. And I would buy a day bed with all the most beautiful bedding, climb in it, and not get out for another week. While looking at beautiful things in my studio.

I fucking hate this.

And that’s enough of that. Have a pretty picture. When in doubt, make moar art.

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Originally published at Curse & Quanta. Please leave any comments there.

Yeah, the Page seems dubious about Oberon’s offering…

You can buy Quick Bright Things HERE

* * *

This week is slammed with things from gills to tail and I am making an effort to not get overwhelmed and that means, of all things, slowing down.

It’s a hard thing for me. Slowing down. But it’s slow down and breathe or watch my neurochem tank. It’s literally an act of self-preservation, an effort to continue my survival. I don’t like that it’s that severe, but it is.

I’m still not used to it.

In the meantime, I wrote a paragraph on the novel and am listening to music to help keep the brain balanced.

“Small moves, Ellie.”


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