angela_n_hunt: (Me 2014)
[personal profile] angela_n_hunt
Alternate Magician
Alternate Magician Card - 11-2016

NB: main website is down for inexplicable reasons, so this gets to come live on LJ first.


This was actually the version of the Magician I was going to go with at first, but as I was fiddling with my camera, the Mouse had relaxed and...THAT (which I haven't posted yet) was the shot. Which I took, and this was no longer the Magician. 

Considering how I threw every obstacle I could think of in my own path to sabotage this shoot and this process, (no, really, I fucking was and it was fucking stupid, but somethimes you have to be stupid) it was a miracle that I got THIS shot, never mind the one that followed.

Saturday's shoot was the perfect example of what happens when I finally get the fuck out of the way of the work and just do the fucking work.Hopefully this time it'll stick. Cause it's not the first fucking time I've had this damn revelation.

But more on the shoot later...

* * *

And I begin  to catch you up...

I had a relapse. That's why I had not been blogging or talking as much and pretty much reduced to retweeting memes. Crushing depression, I had gotten to that stage of work with the Sutro Bath shoot where I just wanted to quit, because I hated everything. Ditto for the Apocalyptica and I'd only gotten one card in the bag. What the hell. Talk about resistance.  (I will be finishing up Sutro now, but it's on the back burner.)

So I put my head down and I kept swinging and I kept working,  but it felt like I am and was going so so so slow. Slow is better than not at all. It’s better than a lot of people ever manage. So why couldn't I just chill and do the work?

Because I was depressed and felt like shit and that was the hardest thing to do right then.

And really, if it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it.

So I just sat with how I felt. It is and was okay to feel like shit. Nowhere does it say that I have to feel great all the time and nowhere does it say that I have to perform happiness or wellness for anyone.

So it really fucking sucked to go through, but the jewel I found in the dark was worth it. I did say that this Apocalyptica was a journey of recovery. I just wish I knew a little more ahead of time when I'm fortelling, know what I'm sayin'?

Bloody hell.

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